Continuing our look at the perplexing problem of working out what we really want. Last time, we met Mike Johnson, a typical client stuck in mid career. Like many of his ilk, he realises that he is not really doing what he wants but has no real clue what to do or where to go instead.

Why do so many people get themselves stuck in this position – unsatisfied, with a vague sense of unease but not knowing their own mind clearly enough to do anything about it?

In our next extract from the forthcoming book ‘Seven Ways To Figure Out What You Want’ we begin to look at the reasons behind this state of mind…

“Before we go any further” said Mike, “I want to know something, why is it so hard to figure out what we want? It should be easy, shouldn’t it? So why don’t we know what we really want? And it’s not just me, most of the people I know seem to be stuck in this limbo of doing OK but thinking there might be something else, although they haven’t really any idea what. What’s going on?”

“Whoa there” said John. “It’s no good beating yourself up over it. Remember, I think there are three major reasons why we don’t know what we want” he said, ticking them off on his fingers. “First we lack practice, secondly I think we’ve trained ourselves to focus in the wrong direction. And the third reason is a combination of fear and overwhelm.”

“I remember,” said Mike “and I’m still curious, what do you mean by lack of practice?”

“OK. Let’s summarise. The first big decision is that we are going to figure this out. Right?” Mike nodded. “And we know that this will be a whole lot easier IF we act like drivers, act as if we created all the results in our lives.” Mike nodded again. “But if that’s all it would take, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation, so there are still some things stopping us. Let’s go through them one by one.”

Reason 1: We lack practice

“Why don’t we know what we want? Sometimes it’s simple. We just lack the practice, we have weak decision making muscles. If you’re an averagely nice person who never rubs anyone the wrong way and generally gets along with colleagues and friends, then a lot of the time you’ve probably learned to go with the flow. Sometime in your past you’ve decided that it’s easier not make a fuss about small things and you probably look askance at people who do.”

“Because of this you are simply not used to deciding what you want, because you very rarely make that kind of decision. Your boss decides when you arrive at work and when you leave, how long your lunch should be and how much holiday you can have (and when). Your spouse organises your social life (and your socks). You fit in, watching the TV that everyone else talks about, doing what others do. Even the way you dress or the kind of car you drive helps you to fit in and feel safe, not too different. Believe me, you lack practice in deciding what you want.”

“It’s no wonder, is it, that when it comes to the bigger issues in life ‘what do I really want?’ that we have no experience to fall back on. We’ve not practised the skill enough to use it when we really need it.”

“Hmm,” said Mike. “I’m not completely buying this although, thinking about it, I do feel like I’m on autopilot sometimes. But isn’t this just politeness? You can’t go around making a fuss about what you want the whole time. Can you?”

The solution?

John looked at him “Well, let’s see. What’s the solution to lack of practice?”

“Practice?” ventured Mike.

“Yep. You have to practice. You have to go right back to the beginning, to the very smallest parts of your life and practise deciding what you want. We’ll talk more about how to practice this when we look at the Seven Ways.”

All Those Broken Agreements

“This lack of practice in making your own decisions gets compounded because you have been let down so many times. Imagine a friend of yours who keeps promising to meet you for lunch but never shows and, worse, keeps coming up with the most lame excuses that you can hardly believe. ‘My back was aching today’, ‘The cat was sick so I couldn’t come’, ‘I got distracted by this TV programme and before I knew it the time had gone’. How would you feel about this person? Annoyed? Let down? That they weren’t really a friend?”

“Guess who you have been letting down? That’s right. Imagine a life littered with broken promises, full of intentions that never went anywhere and ideas that never got further than fantasy. Imagine that lot hanging round your neck. No wonder you feel confused. You’re feeling let down and probably slightly angry. And the solution is just the same as it would be if you make an agreement with someone else and it becomes obvious you are not going to meet it. You have to:

• Call the person up and remake the agreement
• Agree with the person that ‘not now’ is OK
• Agree to end the agreement because you both know it isn’t going to happen”

“What you have to do is rebuild trust with yourself exactly as you would have to do if you had been treating a friend this way. You’ve either got to start keeping your agreements or remake them. Probably the easiest place to start, with your track record, is with the very smallest things in your life.”

Mike nodded “I can see that, I’m not sure I agree with you about lack of practice but I can definitely see that I’ve broken agreements with myself loads of times. Never really thought of looking at it that way though. What’s the second reason?”

Next time, we look at the second reason for not knowing what we want. Seven Ways To Figure Out What You Want (4th Edition) will be published in May 2010. To get a free copy you can buy the 3rd Edition today at just £27 (50% discount) before 30th April 2010 and we’ll send you the full colour PDF of the 4th Edition when it’s published. The 3rd Edition includes a workbook to take you through seven exercises that will help you figure out what you want. It’s supported by an ecourse, slides and supporting videos.

As a working coach I’ve long been intrigued by the phenomenon that while nearly all of my clients can tell me what they DON’T want, a much smaller number can tell me what they DO want. And the number who know what they want and are busy taking active steps to make it happen is even smaller.

Why is this? It should be so easy. You imagine what you want and then you go and get it. Experience tells me that it is rarely this straightforward and led directly to me writing “Seven Ways To Figure Out What You Want”. I’ve recently been updating and expanding the text for the upcoming 4th Edition and over the next few weeks I’d like to share some extracts with readers of CorporateCoach. We are going to look more closely at this problem, at some of the causes and end with some tools to help ourselves and our clients know our own minds. We start by meeting Mike Johnson:

Mike Has A Problem (extract from 4^th edition)

Mike Johnson was lost in thought as he made his way into work, the car driving itself past fields and then into the city centre where Mike worked as a senior project manager for one of the local utilities. It felt like he’d been doing this for years and his Blackberry buzzed as the latest emails arrived for his attention. It used to be fun, but competition had struck his industry, the hours were long and he lived in a world of cost control, endless meetings and constant reorganisation. His wife had started to complain that he was no fun anymore and his need to be in touch with work all the time interrupted their family life.

He sighed as he thought about his day. At his last performance review his boss had offered him the chance to work with a coach, something about a new initiative for all senior managers. He saw that he didn’t really have a choice and agreed rapidly, not wanting to appear difficult. There were rumours of more redundancies and Mike knew he had to toe the line, but their first meeting was today and it was a 90 minute distraction he could do without.

Still the coach, John, had sounded OK on the phone – not one of those airy, fairy HR types – someone with a bit of business experience, and he’d asked Mike to think about what he wanted from their ‘coaching sessions’.

And that’s why he was so deep in thought. He didn’t really know. He’d assumed it was another useless initiative from HQ and that all he’d have to do was pay lip service. The question had shocked him a bit. He thought he’d have a bit of fun with it though. ‘Let’s see if this coach knows his stuff when I tell him I don’t know’.

That should shorten the meeting nicely.

“Hi Mike” said John, walking into the office. Relaxed and fit at a little over six feet, his hair was longer than Mike was used to seeing at work. Mike handed him a black coffee.

“So, let’s get started then, what is it that you really want?” Mike was thrown off balance for a moment, he’d expected some small talk first but fine, if that’s the way he wants it. He put both his hands down flat on the desk and looked at John. “I don’t know” he said, sitting back.

John smiled “You don’t know?”

“No, I don’t know”.

“How do you know that you don’t know?”

“Well” said Mike considering the question. “The truth is I’ve never really known.”

“I see” said John “Forgive me but what DO you know about what you don’t know?”

Mike surprised himself. “Look, I’m a senior project manager here, I’m busy, I’m well paid and I’ve had a lot of fun over the years but always with a vague feeling that there is something else. I can see that if I’m not careful I’m going to spend the rest of my life here, although I know if only I could figure out what I really wanted I would go and do it.”

“I used to enjoy solving problems but now I’m beginning to get the same questions and the same problems repeating themselves. Truth is I’m a bit bored and a bit tired. I know people who’ve stuck at a job they don’t like for years. They talk about doing something different but they don’t know what.” He paused. “My kids are growing up and soon they will have to make decisions about work, they are going to ask me and I feel a bit of a fraud helping them because I still don’t know after all these years.”

John stabbed a finger at him “Your problem is, you’re too bright!”

“What do you mean?” Mike shot back, annoyed at the abrupt tone. This wasn’t going the way he’d planned it.

“You’re too bright and you’ve got too many choices” said John. “The truth is that you could do almost anything you wanted and be good at it. The funny thing is, though, that instead of feeling excited by all these choices, you feel paralysed. You just end up with a vague feeling that you could be doing something else but not ever doing it.”

“That’s it exactly” said Mike

“It’s a lot more common than you might think. Would you be interested in some help to figure out what you really want?”

“Yes” said Mike “but what about the stuff from Corporate HR, what’s your brief?”

“I see that they haven’t told you.” He paused. “You’re part of a new initiative designed to help this business plan its ‘managerial succession’. They have identified managers who have a high potential for promotion and given me a free hand to work with them. How do you feel about that?”

Mike groaned. “Truth is, the thought of taking on a bigger job doesn’t thrill me and although the money would be nice, my wife would walk out if I gave any more attention to work. Maybe it’s time I figured out what I actually wanted for a change.”

“Great” said John, “Why don’t we start now?”

In the next extract Mike learns the three major reasons that we don’t know what we want.

Special Offer

The vastly expanded 4^th Edition of Seven Ways To Figure Out What You Want will be published in May 2010. Purchase the 3^rd edition at the current price of £23.00 and you will automatically receive a free copy of the new edition – saving £22.00.

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us;
It’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

Tethered elephants

I was doing a hike through the jungle as a tourist, when I saw these large elephants tethered to a small stake. I asked their trainer ‘How can you keep such a large elephant tied to such a small stake?’ He said ‘When the elephants are small, they try to pull out the stake and they fail. When they grow large, they never try to pull out the stake again.’

The cow in the ditch

When everything gets really complicated and you feel overwhelmed, think about it this way: You gotta do three things. First, get the cow out of the ditch. Second, find out how the cow got into the ditch. Third, make sure you do whatever it takes so the cow doesn’t go into the ditch again.

Stuck in a hole

A man was walking along a sidewalk when he fell into an unprotected hole. He could not get out.

A doctor came along and he cried out for help. The doctor wrote him a prescription, threw it into the hole and continued walking.

Then a priest came along and he cried out again. This time, the priest wrote down a prayer, threw it into the hole and continued walking.

Finally, a friend came along. His response was to jump down into the hole to comfort the man.

The man said ‘What was the point of that? Now we are both stuck down the hole.’

‘Ah’ replied his friend ‘but I have been here before, and I know how to get out.’

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IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
‘ Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

Thought, I love thought.
But not the juggling and twisting of already existent ideas.
I despise that self-important game.
Thought is the welling up of unknown life into consciousness,
Thought is the testing of statements on the touchstone of consciousness,
Thought is gazing onto the face of life, and reading what can be read,
Thought is pondering over experience, and coming to conclusion.
Thought is not a trick, or an exercise, or a set of dodges,
Thought is a man in his wholeness, wholly attending.

D.H. Lawrence

I was looking for a Christmas coaching story but could not find one.

However, in a time when many people complain about an over materialistic and commercial approach to a religious and family festival, I thought that this one might be suitable. It can be found amongst other stories in Brefi Group’s free downloads.

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “only a little while.”

The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”

To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”

“But what then?”

The American laughed and said that’s the best part. “When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”

“Millions.. Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

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It is a PowerPoint story: The Daffodil Principle.

It is un-attributed but it is understood to have been written during the 30 year period that the author was held in a mental institution.

It speaks volumes about the need for us to change the way in which we treat our fellow human beings

When I ask you to listen to me, and you start giving me advice,
You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me ‘why’ I shouldn’t feel that way,
You are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,
You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen; not talk, nor do – just hear me.

And I can do for myself – I’m not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me, that I can and need to do for myself,
You contribute to my fear and weakness.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, No matter how irrational
then I quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

When that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works sometimes for some people;
Because God is mute and does not give advice to try to ‘fix’ things, He/She just listens, and lets you work it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me, and if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn, and I’ll listen to you.

I have been on some courses with T Harv Eker in which there were several references to the growing pattern of bamboo.

So I thought I would research the story.

You prepare the soil, pick the right spot, then plant the Chinese Bamboo seed. You water it and wait. But you wait an entire year and nothing appears. No bud, no twig, nothing. So you keep watering and protecting the area and taking care of the future plant, and you wait some more. You wait another year and nothing still happens. Okay, you are a persistent person not prone to giving up, so you keep on watering. You water, check the soil, start talking to the ground, maybe even click your heels in some kind of growing dance you read about in the National Geographic. Another year passes and still no sign of growth.

It has been three years. Should you give up? Someone told you that it might take a while to really see the fruits of your efforts, so you keep on keeping on. More water, more talk, more dancing. The neighbors are wondering. And another year passes. No tree.

You now make a decision. If there is no tree on this date one year from now you will stop watering. Period. So you begin year number five with the same passion as day number one. You water, you wait. You keep watering and keep waiting. You water some more and then, could it be? Is it really? Yep, there it is, something sticking out of the dirt. You come back the next day and WOW it has really grown! In fact you come back each day for about six weeks and finally the Chinese Bamboo tree stops growing—but it is over 80 feet tall! Yes, 80 feet in six weeks! Well, not really. It is 80 feet in five years.

The point is simple. If you had given up for even the shortest period of time, there would be no tree. It took almost impossible persistence. The Chinese Bamboo tree is there for one reason and one reason only—because you never gave up on it.

Further research suggests that it might be one of those training myths. Does anyone know about the growing habits of bamboo seeds?

Here is another story that I found at the same time:

Once upon a time there was a farmer who had two gardens. One was in the mountains and the other was in the plains. The farmer loved both gardens very much. But in particular he loved one tree in the mountain garden. This tree was a bamboo.

Bamboo was very tall and very beautiful. The farmer used to visit Bamboo every evening to admire and enjoy her beauty. When the farmer was visiting, Bamboo would always dance beautifully, which made the farmer even happier. The farmer loved Bamboo very much, much more than other trees.

It so happened that there was once a drought in the plains, and the lower garden started to dry. The drought was so severe that the plants started to die off. The farmer was desperate to find a way of watering this garden. There was plenty of water in the mountains, but he had no way of taking the water to the plains. Then the farmer remembered his friend Bamboo.

So the farmer went to Bamboo one evening and they started talking. “Bamboo,” said the farmer, “I love you a great deal.”

Bamboo was very happy. Dancing, she responded, “I too love you so much, master.” The master was pleased.

“So now, Bamboo,” said the master, “I want to use you.”

“I am ready, master,” answered Bamboo.

“But there is one condition,” the master went on. “In order to use you, I must cut you down.”

Bamboo was grieved and very disturbed. “Master,” said Bamboo, “you say you love me. Why then do you want to destroy me?”

“Bamboo,” the master said, “I don’t want to destroy you, I want to use you. But in order for you to be usable to me, I must cut you. If you are not ready to be cut, I cannot use you.”

Bamboo was most unhappy, because she feared the pain. But because she loved the master and trusted him, she decided to let the master go on. So the master took a hatchet and cut down Bamboo. It was very painful.

The master said, “Good, but there is some more work to do on you; I have to chop off your branches.”

Bamboo complained even more. “Master, you want to kill me now.” The master remained silent; and seeing that he was serious, Bamboo decided to submit. The master took his hatchet again and cleaned off the branches until Bamboo was very clean. Then he said, “This is really good, Bamboo, but there is still one last thing. I have to pop out your inside.”

Bamboo was terrified. The last two steps had been painful enough, but to pop out her inside — that was unthinkable. Bamboo struggled with this. But then the master said, “I cannot use you unless I pop out your inside.” Seeing that the master was serious, Bamboo again submitted.

The master took an iron rod and popped out the inside until Bamboo was hollow. It was extremely painful. But Bamboo was now ready to be used.

The master used Bamboo as a pipe to connect his two gardens. Soon water started to flow from the mountain garden into the garden in the plains. The plants were revived. Seeing her usefulness, both Bamboo and the master were very happy. They ended up greater friends than before.

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