Relationship Rescue

Gabriele Prestidge, SMHeart Relationships

Is this how you deal with relationship problems? Consult a lawyer?

Surely there is a better way? What about talking it through with someone who might be able to help you resolve the issues?

If you need help dealing with a special relationship, either at home or at work, then better to try a relationship coach than someone who can take you both to court.

Many couples and partners feel that life has become like Groundhog Day. Their relationship is predictable, it's uncomfortable and often it is emotionally painful and, in extreme cases, it can damage their health.

If you find yourself resonating with the description above you are not alone.

I have been there, too. My husband and I have both been in relationships where we felt trapped, where communication had broken down and we were hurting emotionally.

We were fortunate; we had mentors and a good support network every step of the way. We also found courses that provided us with the skills we needed to take positive action to move forward in our relationships. And because it worked for us we now share it with others.

What we have done is to condense the most useful tools and put them into a highly effective transformation programme.

We recognise that you already have the answers; our job is to hold the space for you so you can access them.

So what can you do about it?

We begin by exploring what is going on emotionally in your physical and mental environment by using a profiling system called Human Design. This tells us accurately how you will behave in situations when you are at your best, all the way through to when you are under stress, unable to relate effectively and hurting.

Once we have brought the range of patterns to your awareness, we help you move from a fear-based to a relaxed, authentic and love based level of setting goals, communicating and interacting.

The key is to set a loving intention to build a foundation for win/win changes. As long as you see yourself as a victim, or are trying to manipulate your partner or win by extracting something from them you have lost the opportunity not only to give yourself what you need and want, but also to help your partner achieve the same.

We have a three step approach to creating positive shifts in any relationship.

Step 1: Setting a win/win intention

This is the intention we suggest: "I love and accept myself fully. I am open to hear your side of the story so we can work something out that works for both parties."

Can you see the pattern here? We are not even discussing the person that you are unhappy about. When you change from reactive behaviour to responsive behaviour you will open the doors for honest, authentic and solution orientated communication and interaction.

Step 2: Clear and solution oriented communication

This starts with learning to listen to your own needs. In a safe space we teach you to use the emotional release technique to let go of stuck emotions that might have been suppressed for many years and we help you to experience what it feels like to be your natural best.

We might also use the work of Byron Katie, a series of self inquiry questions, to dislodge obsolete and painful beliefs that prevent you from seeing yourself and the other party as either the perpetrator or victim of a situation.

We use time line work to find the trigger experiences that set up the relationship patterns.

We also look at people's health status as our physical body, and how comfortable and strong we feel in it, has a huge impact on the way we treat ourselves and others.

Emotional releasing will reduce anxiety, anger, frustration and guilt issues as well as increase your confidence and self-esteem. As an added benefit it can also reduce any need for medication and allow you to respond rather than react.

When you have learned to be clear in your communication with others and have opened the channels of response from others, you will often be surprised how easily the solution will then present itself.

Step 3: Interaction

The way you treat yourself and others changes after you learn to release your emotions and are able to speak and listen with integrity.

If you think and feel hateful, with angry thoughts and feelings towards your partner, chances are you will be found out by them because they can sense the emotional charge and they will not trust you no matter what you say your intention is or how well you communicate it.

Take trust building action. Once you have established, through clear, solution orientated communication, what changes need to be made, take decisive, positive actions towards your agreed outcome.

Courtesy and politeness also help in paving the way to a common desired outcome.

Be transparent with the other party every step of the way on your progress. If you need support, take action to find it from an impartial, professional support provider; i.e. a coach or mentor.

Transparent interaction means to be open and willing to share your intention, with clear solution orientated communication action by action with the other party and at the same time to stay receptive and adaptable to the feedback and needs of the other party.

With modern technology we now are able to back up our promises with email, txt etc. It is amazingly simple to create a trail of conversations with the written word so that each can see the next step that needs to be taken. Tracking and record keeping are often overlooked in professional as well as in personal relationships. Once you have integrated these simple three steps, things will be starting to shift in your relationships.

The outcome often surprises people as things start to flow, life becomes more enjoyable and relationships are transformed. How this plays out depends greatly on the relationship.

Life is always bringing challenges – that's how we grow. However, the way you handle them will change powerfully.

We use these tools regularly in our own personal lives. Using them over time will help you become more assertive, and clearer in what you will and will not accept in your life. They will transform your perception of yourself, your partner and the way you relate to the world in general.

In addition, they will help you attract the right kind of people and opportunities into your life to help you have fulfilling relationships. This in turn allows you to say what needs to be said without a negative emotional charge and to be open to finding an arrangement that helps both parties to grow and progress.

Not only is this more respectful and loving approach cheaper than calling a divorce or business lawyer, it is much more likely that you will still be talking with your partner when the change has been worked out.

The implication of the poster shown above is that 'partner' refers to an intimate partner. However, the same rules apply to any relationship, whether it be with parents, children, bosses or work colleagues.

With the right approach, relationships can be easy, life can be fun – and you can avoid spending money on lawyers, or finding a new job.

Gabriele Prestidge is co-founder of SMHeart Relationships,
and is Relationships Manager at Brefi Group.

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