The power of moving to how

Category: Coaching Notes

Sometimes the fundamental question we ask ourselves can be a source of stress at work. Take John, a recent client of mine. He has moved to a new job in a new company with a handy promotion but now finds that he has landed in an alien culture where he is experiencing frustration.

As I listened to him pouring out his frustration about the new team, the way people say yes to actions but don't do them, the bureaucracy and how it compared badly with how the team worked together at his previous employer and so on, something became obvious.

He was unconsciously using the fundamental question "Why?"

• Why won't they listen?


• Why can't I influence them to action?


• Why does everything take so long around here?


• Why can't they see that there is a better way to work together?


• Why am I having trouble getting their trust?

These are quite legitimate questions, but the big problem with why questions is that they send you off on a pointless quest for answers and leave you frustrated.

The problem with frustration is that it is a nominalisation - a doing word masquerading as a noun. Frustration does not exist. Only the process of being or doing frustration exists. If you are doing frustration it's usually because you are choosing to do that instead of something more helpful.

A much better fundamental question is "How?"

• How can I be heard?


• How can I structure this meeting or pre-empt these questions to make it easier to sell my ideas?


• How can I understand the informal relationships that are the key to getting things done?

Asking "How can I" is more effective than "Why does it" because it puts the locus of control back in your hands and if you pay attention to your physiology as you ask it, you'll notice that it also has a more expansive impact in your head - it opens you up to possibilities instead of looking for explanations for problems.

And, of course, asking "how can I?" naturally leads you to doing curiosity instead of doing frustration.

If you are creating frustration for yourself anywhere, maybe it's time to change your fundamental question?

Andrew Halfacre is an associate and lead trainer with Brefi Group.

He is also principal of Lighthouse Coaching and Training

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