Setting an intention - Part 2

Category: Coaching Notes

Coaching notes Four steps to getting what you want

This process draws on Lynn Grabhorn’s book “Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting” as well as the work of Esther and Jerry Hicks.

Step 1: Know what you don't want

Coaching often misses out this crucial step. This can mean that an identified goal is really only a “don’t want” in disguise. For example, if a stated want is “I want to be well” what may be running is “I don’t want to be ill”. So while the unconscious focus is on a negative – that’s exactly what you are likely to attract!

We live in a world where many people focus on and put up with things they do NOT want - often without even really noticing. These can be pervasive and influence us in a negative way. Step 1 is about identifying the “don’t wants”. When we know we have a "Don't Want" we then have a choice to change it if it is not serving us.

Step 2: Know what you do want

Identifying “do wants” is familiar coaching territory. Step 2 is about getting clear about this. If you don’t know what you do want it is not easy to achieve it. It’s like getting in a taxi and telling the driver that you do not know where you want to go. Where would you end up? When we are clear about what we want we are much more likely to make it happen.

Step 3: Know what it feels like

This is another vital step which is well worth spending time on.

Knowing intellectually what we want is not as powerful as being able to really step into it and experience what it would feel like to have it. Imagine wanting to appear relaxed and confident at an interview. The person who is likely to perform better is the one who can step into being relaxed and confident like an actor stepping into the role. There are numerous tools and techniques to help you do this.

Step 4: Know it will happen

It is no good being able to step into a role and act the part if you do not think it is really possible to achieve it - that will adversely affect your performance. Telephone sales training is based on this principle - the sales staff who are most successful are the ones who believe they will get a sale when they pick up the phone. This principle applies to anything you want to achieve. It does not mean you will always get what you want - but it will improve your chances of success.

The four steps can be used for the big goals in life - like living life more fully, optimum health, meaningful relationships, financial freedom - and for the day to day. Here’s a simple example.

Using the four steps - an example

John knew he had to address poor performance from a member of his team. He was dreading the conversation. He got on well with Bill and he just didn’t know how to handle it. He had put off having the conversation for some time and it was getting to him.

Step 1 – John did NOT want to feel bad about the conversation.

Step 2 – What John DID want was to have a good discussion with Bill. He wanted him to know how much he valued having Bill in the team and for Bill to come up with some ideas on how he could improve his performance. He wanted the conversation to be easy and positive.

Step 3 - As he prepared for the meeting he thought about all the ways that he appreciated Bill – for his loyalty to the team, for staying calm in a crisis and lifting the team’s spirits. He thought how good it would be to sort out this performance problem – after all it was probably worrying Bill too. He began to FEEL how good it would be to have an opportunity to tell Bill how much he appreciated him and have a plan in place to resolve the performance issues.

Step 4 - He just knew (assumed, expected) that it would be a good meeting.

He had a full and frank discussion with Bill – it felt great to clear the air and Bill was positive about how he was going to improve his performance. John felt he handled the situation very well – it had been much easier than he thought.

Carol Newland is co-founder of the WorkLife Architect programme

and an associate of Brefi Group

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