And… the icing on the cake is that you will recognise that you operate certain unconscious patterns and by adjusting these you will be able to build rapport quickly in any situation.

A few years ago I was trying to negotiate my way around Paris. I stopped and asked for directions in English and as I was still lost half an hour later I guess the communication between my guide and myself was not very successful. Learning to communicate well is like carrying an electronic phrase book around with you. It allows you to recognise certain patterns that someone is running and to adjust your own patterns so that you translate your message into a language the other person understands easily.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is a branch of psychology, developed in the early 1970s. It can teach us the art and science of excellent communication.

According to NLP, you experience the world through your five senses called your representational (rep) systems or modalities. These are Visual (eyes), Auditory (ears), Kinaesthetic (feelings and touch), Olfactory (smell) and Gustatory (taste). You use each of these senses to code and store your memories, although you probably use one of them in preference to another, particularly at moments of stress. In NLP jargon, this is your primary or lead rep system. In Western cultures there is less of an emphasis on smell and taste so, for now, we will work with just the Visual, Auditory and Kinaesthetic rep systems. The words that you use give a clue to your preferred rep system.

People who are primarily visual may use words like crystal clear, picture, dim, focus, insight, perspective, vision. They will use phrases like ‘I can see that clearly’, ‘that looks right’, ‘I just can’t get a clear picture’, and ‘I’m in the dark’.

If you have an auditory preference, you may use words like resonate, harmonious, loud, soft, shrill, mellifluous and use expressions such as ‘’that ring's a bell’, ‘that doesn’t sound right’, ‘I hear what you’re saying’ or ‘your words are music to my ears’.

People who prefer the kinaesthetic rep system are likely to use words such as cold, warm, feeling, grip, grasp, weight, touch and phrases like ‘How does that grab you?’, ‘That doesn't feel right’, ‘that’s really difficult to handle’ or ‘I need a more concrete example’. These are the people who use their hands to indicate what they are talking about.

When you have to make a decision, do you make a picture of the pros and cons (visual)? Perhaps you hold a conversation with yourself or need to talk it through with someone (auditory). Or maybe you go with a feeling (kinaesthetic).

I am sure you know that ‘people like people like themselves’. This means that if you can learn to recognise someone’s preferred rep system and communicate with them using the words and phrases they use unconsciously, they will perceive you as being more like themselves. This is one of the secrets that will allow you to build rapport with the person with whom you are communicating.

So how can you use this knowledge to improve communication at work, or indeed at home?

• You can make more of an impact at meetings, when making that crucial presentation or delivering a training session by using all of the rep systems, thereby ensuring that everyone’s preference is catered for. For instance colourful posters or slides would satisfy the people with a visual preference. Music would appeal to the more auditory inclined and exercises involving movement would engage the more kinaesthetic people.


• You can use all your senses to make business and personal life goals really compelling by fine tuning what you will see, hear and feel when you achieve your desired result. A person who is primarily kinaesthetic could enact stepping onto the podium to receive the prize.


• You could keep a note of the words someone uses during a telephone conversation in order to‘re-present’ them with words and phrased of their preferred rep system.


• You can increase the impact of office notices, job or product advertisements by using vocabulary from each of the modalities.

And yes, you may be accused of manipulation. However if you remember that each of us manipulates other people with every action and word the question is whether the manipulation is being done with a win/win outcome in mind or not.

Romilla Ready is an NLP change consultant and co-author of Neuro-linguistic Programming for Dummies

USEFUL LINKS

• Neuro-linguistic Programming for Dummies, Romilla Ready and Kate Burton


• NLP at Work, Sue Knight


• Influencing with Integrity, Genie Laborde